so i'm thinking to myself and about my history.

i thought about what i long way i've come.  putting aside my instability and learning to cope.

but one thought still rings in my ears with anger.

i don't think someone who has not greatly invested themselves in a suicidal person has the right to call them selfish.  EVER.

i mean, i know suicide is a selfish act and a coward's away out.  but i've only tolerated that statement for a select few and that one person who i confided in (someone not close to me) called it being very selfish.

and somehow that just doesn't sit well with me.  that person doesn't have a right to shine negative light on me, true or untrue.  somehow it just comes off as mock superiority-- as if they're better than me.

like honestly.  if you didn't know me well, who are you to say i'm selfish for being suicidal at one point?  do you know half the pain i've gone thru or what obstacles i've had to overcome?  i mean, if i look at you, i can probably find ways you've been selfish as well (most of you anyway... or at least the one person who called me selfish).  so it's just stupid to point out that i was being selfish when you're being a hypocritical oaf.

hmm.. makes me wonder.  reflecting on those chicken soup for the soul short stories... i've read one where someone's fighting cancer and staying alive just for the sake of their loved ones.. and one person says "i know you're in pain and you're working very hard.  but if you wanna go, you can go".

i dunno.  it just bugs me that instead of relating to you with sympathy, someone would tell you you're selfish for wanting to die at one point.

blah blah blah. i'm gonna go eat dinner now.

on a side note:  how the hell do you get to victoria???  i mean, i know you take the ferry and crap.  but why the hell does it have to be so far.  and nearing valentine's day too!  ><

initially i wanted to title this entry "the calm before the storm", but honestly, who gives a fuck?

i decided to vent.  typical.  it's a cop out but i don't feel like writing anything meaningful.  or sensical for the matter.

i just want to vent.

ew!  who the fuck is supposed to have free time?  i'm so exhausted.

recapping .. uh.. friday..

I sleep like only 5 hours because I'm so engrossed with reading.  Anyhoo, then some time later in the day...

Woman not my supervisor but will be reporting to my supervisor (Woman):  Kathleen, can I speak to you please?

Me: Oh fuck, I'm in trouble again, aren't I?  What the hell could I have cocked up?

*We walk back to her desk*

Woman:  This backlog project that you'll be working on is a very important one so we want you to only focus on the documentation without having to worry about the supplies or the reception.  Starting monday you'll be sitting at the back where Michelle is with the rest of the team...

Me:  HUH?!?

Woman:  Come on.  I'll show you where you'll be sitting.

Me:  *gasp*  But it's smaller!  So I won't be doing any reception?

Woman:  Nope.  Michelle will be covering that from now on.  You'll be getting her computer which is a lot better than the one you currently have.

Me:  Uh.... What about the mail rounds?

Woman:  She'll be doing that too.

Me:  Darn, then I won't be seeing Mathieu anymore.  Talk about isolating me from tower I.  I like it there!  And the supplies?

Woman:  Yup.

Me:  Bloody hell, I just spent the entire time fixing up that fuck of a mess the person left there.  I received half a dozen compliments on what a good job I've done and I've barely begun.  Now I just fucking hand it over?  No fair!  Mmm.. okay!

Woman:  So how's that all sound?

Me:  Great.  I mean I'll miss the other area but I definitely see the benefits of moving over here.  Oh crap...

So after I spent the rest of the evening after work running around T&T supermarket.  I'm like a kid in a candy shop there.  I wanna buy everything.  Then I got some impulse to cook Peter some nice homemade soup.

Came home.  Ate dinner for about an hour.  Then I spent the next 3.5 hours cooking.

Mind you this was my first time cooking chinese styled soup so I was a complete mess.  First time debone-ing chicken and everything.  I mean, I've cooked a zillion meats in cooking class but it's different when you do it on your own for the first time.  Especially when you haven't "cooked" meat for over five years.

Afterwards, I was wasted and passed out.  I got to sleep TWO bloody hours after standing around all day.  Next thing I know I'm dragged awake to take my brother to the ER.  (No, it wasn't from my cooking)  I nearly ran a red light out of exhaustion.  Ha, ha.  God, was a grumpy having to wake up.  So I spent... 3 hours?  hanging around the hospital refusing to sit because I hate germs.  Finally I caved in and sat for 30 minutes nodding off.

Then I told my mom and brother I was going to sleep in the car.  And for those of you who heard the fucking wind on friday's night bloody knows how fucking cold it was outside.  I turn on the car to heat it up a bit and fell asleep.  Then my mom yelled at me cuz she told me I could get carbon monoxide poisoning.  Okay, okay.  Point taken.  So instead I slept in the bitter cold.  Better cold than in germs, I say.  I didn't sleep much before my mom told me to go home.

So I was at home trying to sleep but my friiiiiiiiiggin sister kept calling me asking for FUCKING DETAILS on my brother's condition (she's in Calgary).  So much for getting sleep.

Blah blah blah.  Day wasted.  Anyhoo.  Some point on... it's Sunday night now.  At least I managed to finish reading the book I started Thursday night.

Point is, I never get any fucking time to myself.  Oh, and my life is crazy.  Never a moment of peace.  No wait.  I think the real point is that growing up sucks -- you become a slave to everyone around you.

God, you think with a job and all my mom would stop nagging me.  But now she's telling me to do a good job.. not to fuck up.  That isn't encouragement.  It's fucking pressure.

[edit]  soup was gooooooooood.

[edit]  it's a permanent change.  no menial administrative duties anymore.  in a way it's a compliment.  i just have to get used to the change.

[edit]  i didn't follow a recipe for the soup.  i made it free-style.  everything from scratch.

[edit]  my brother's okay.  at least for now.